If you define “life success” as living a long, healthy, and happy life, you will quickly realize why adult friendships are so important for life success.  In fact, friendship, and your ability to make friends is likely one of the MOST important factors in your life success:  Multiple long-term studies show the quality of your close friends actually predict your success, including how long you live, your health and your level of life happiness. More powerfully, the studies show that adult friendships are MORE important to life success than socio-economic class, money, IQ, or even genes.

For more than 75 years, the Grant and Glueck study tracked the physical and emotional health of 724 people to gauge what life factors most affected their life direction – everything from health, to economic success.  The study tracked two very diverse groups, Harvard-educated youths and disadvantaged inner-city youths tracking their life’s events through decades.

Studies show that adult friendships are MORE important to life success
than socio-economic class, money, IQ, or even genes ~ Grant and Glueck study

“The clearest message that we get from this study,” says Robert J. Waldinger, the current head of this 75-year study is this: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”

It is not just perceived happiness that the study confirmed correlated to the presence of close adult friendships.  And it is not only that study.  In fact multiple studies have shown the presence of close relationships are better predictors mental and physical health and joy that nearly any other factor.

In SCIENCE magazine authors House, Landi and Umberson discussing the study noted: “Social relationships, or the lack thereof, constitute a major risk factor for health —rivaling the effect of well-established risk factors such as blood pressure, blood lipids, obesity and physical activity.”

Yet another study involving more than 270,000 people in nearly 100 countries found that both family and friend relationships were associated with better health and happiness overall.

Moreso, the quality of your close friendships are actually a stronger predictor of wellbeing than even having strong family connections.  Observed this study’s author William Chopik, “we often enjoy our time with friends more than with family. We do leisurely things with friends, whereas family events are often serious or maybe a little monotonous.”

Time and time again studies in employment, job status and wealth, the power of friendship shows similar results: your connections are the strongest indicator of factors commonly thought of as success. Literally, it is not what you know that matters most… it is who you know.

So How Do Friendships Support Life Success?

So, how and why do adult friendships have such an incredible impact on everything from life happiness to improved health to increasing the amount of money we earn a year!?  Friendship has a huge impact in a number of profoundly important ways:

Friends Give Necessary Support

We are not meant to go it alone. We need friends to act as everything from cheerleaders, to a shoulder to cry on, to teachers and mentors. In many ways deep friendships form a net of protection from some of life’s hardest difficulties. Our friendships become a sort of family that our own family of origin never gave us. After all, we can choose friends… whereas we simply get the family we’re given.  Adult friendship allows you to carefully curate a gathering of people around you that you genuinely enjoy who you are and are selflessly interested in how you are doing.

Friends Expose Us to Different Ways of Viewing and Acting in the World

It should come as no surprise that different people have different experiences and differing perspectives. Other’s differences have taught them things that may lay within our own blind spots and provide us with opportunities to learn or make wiser decisions from broader perspectives. It is far better to learn from other’s perspectives than it is having to teach ourselves everything through trial and error. Friendships help us to see more and see things in a different light. Friendships encourage us to act in new ways, that we wouldn’t have otherwise. Different views and different actions result in different results – results we would never have come to from our own perspectives and actions.

Friends Teach Us How to Act

How do we conduct ourselves? In areas of career, aspirations, morals and initiative, it might be because of what we were taught… OR because no one taught us skills critical to success. Friends are where we learn those skills. It’s with friends that we practice, finding out both what is effective and what is not. What is more, friends help us get out of the ruts we fall into and challenge us to try situations we might not otherwise consider.

Talking and watching our friends we learn everything from how they live their life, to how they deal with adversity, to ethics.  Friends inspire us to reach higher or achieve more.  This is true regarding everything from how they handle their career, to how they attempt to grow, to watching how they conduct their relationships. 

Friends Give Us a Reality Check

Who else but a friend is going to tell you when you’re lying to yourself or wandering down the wrong path entirely? This kind of tough love is what keeps us from disaster and guides us away from the pitfalls of life.

We Learn How to Have Effective Relationships from Our Friends

Not everyone was blessed with parents who modeled good relationship skills. Making friends with couples or watching our friends in their relationships is where we form our impressions of how couples in romantic relationships interact. And it is ironic that friendship may even be where we learn to be a friend. It’s from these relationships we learn how to balance things like work and romance, even how to parent. Being able to talk to other friends and couples about challenges unique to relationships give us a much-needed place to learn, absent the pressures of formal education or work.

Friendships are Good for Your Health

As noted above studies have shown people who sustain healthy friendships live longer and enjoy a better quality of life. People who regularly spend time with friends are shown to adopt healthier lifestyles, experience fewer physical ailments such as heart disease, and have fewer issues with dementia as they age.

Finding Friends as an Adult Can Be Challenging

And yet, as incredibly important as it is for our success to have adult friends, finding adult friendship can be a challenge.  While we were in school or college friendship came easier: you would see the same people day after day. In college you had common experiences because you were in similar places in your lives and because you attended the same school, likely lived in the same area of town or attended the same classes. In youth and college the opportunity to build familiarity, and thus friendship, came quickly and easily.

But many of these factors change in adulthood.  Our lives get busy with work and life.  And, although we “feel” like we have friends because of the artificially reinforced connections of work… it is not uncommon to realize that work relationships just do not have the same depth as other friendships. Our work “friendships” are more often just acquaintances you have a job in common (and, often little else). The job forces interaction… not true enjoyment absent the artificial reinforcement. And it is common that after a few years as working adults we realize: finding genuine, new friends can be hard.

Worse: studies have shown we’re not taking the time for friends like we used to. According to recent surveys: in the 1980s, the average adult had a minimum of three friends they were close to. The same survey taken thirty years later found a radical drop in the number of friends people now have:  Now, as many as one in four people claim to have no friends at all:

• Nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone or left out
• More than 40% of Americans feel that their relationships are not meaningful
• More than one in four Americans rarely feel as though there are people who really understand them.

On one hand this may be reassuring: if you have few (or no) friends you are not alone. And, if you are not even sure how to make friends as an adult, you are not alone.

But, while not having many close friends is common… it is not healthy.  In addition, a lack of adult friendships actually interferes with your desire to live an effective and successful life. You are literally holding yourself back in mind, body, spirit, relationships and wealth by not building friendships.

In light of these facts it is easy to see how important adult friendships are as part of your life success. We realize that making friends is incredibly important and realize that an investment in friendships, not only should be a priority for all adults, it is actually an investment in your total life success.

So, how do we begin to build adult friendship?

5 Places to Find Friends as an Adult (and One Place NOT To)

Somewhere along the way, we grew up. We left our schools with our childhood chums and went into the work world, where others likely came from different places in the world and were in different stages of their life and, all, had responsibilities aside from their job.

Life started getting bogged down with responsibilities and personal plans for the future. While much of this is exciting, what happens all too often as we start laying aside our childhood, is that we unintentionally put aside our innate ability to make friends easily.

When nearly 9 hours a day are spent at work, work often is the strongest influence in who you regularly spend time with. The problem with work friendships is that they are often built only as deeply as the forced interactions. 

Don’t believe me? Think back to when a trip to the playground ended in a “new best friend” after 20 minutes of sharing the swings with a stranger. Now ask yourself, when is the last time you connected that quickly with someone new?

The problem is, adult friendships are crucial, not just to our mental well-being, but to our physical health as well. It’s been proven that having friends leads to less stress, less chance of heart disease, and longer life.

But where do we find these new friends? First, one place NOT to:

Making Friends Online

Noticeably absent on the list of where to make friends is “online groups” or social media.  Despite the consistent move towards interacting and socializing on the internet, and the fact that any authentic connection is important… I would encourage you to first focus of initiating and building face-to-face friendships.

Why!?  Two reasons:

1) Far too many people use the term “friend” too loosely. It is not uncommon that some of those you consider friends will not consider you a friend or be there for you when you need. It is said that you often do not find out who you true friends are until you are down.

Although it may seem easier to make friends online because you can find people around the world who have similar interests and, if you’re an introvert, online friendships may feel more comfortable… friendships separated by physical distance do not have as powerful an effect on your joy, health or life success.

An important part of friendship is not just chatting… but it is actual tangible support.  Although everyone may have their own definition, genuine friendships are the kind that might find you spending time together at events or simply talking over coffee.  Friends who you can call at 10 p.m. at night if you have a flat tire or the ones that do not hesitate to help you move apartments are worth their weight in gold.

If you live in different areas, you can’t easily meet up or hang out in person. Making new friends online is cool and fascinating, but… physically distant friendships do not show that same effect as do friendship with people who live near.

2) Studies show that proximity matters:  believe it or not, happiness is directly related to both to the quality of your friend relationships AND how close you live to your friends, in tangible measurement:

• If you’re surrounded by many happy people who are “central in the network” (meaning close friends), you’re more likely to become happy in the future. But …
• If you have a friend who lives within a mile and who becomes happy increases the probability that you will be happy by 25%. And …
• The farther away the friend lives, and the more that time passes during which they live farther away, the less happy you will be as a result of their happiness. (https://www.bmj.com/content/337/bmj.a2338 )

It is not just physical proximity that matters.  Friendship is a powerful, metaphorical antioxidant to illness, unhappiness and aging for anyone, so of course it should be intuitive that the benefits of having close pals may actually increase for long-term friendships.

Long lasting friendships have stood the test of time. The fact is, we keep people around because they have made us happy, or at least contributed to your wellbeing in some way. Across our lives, we let the more superficial friendships fade, until we’re left with the really influential ones. Said succinctly, having friends is great, having close friends is better and having long-term close friends serves us and our life success the best.

By all means, do find and build online friendship.  All friends matters, and it is not always possible to keep your friends in the same city.  This is not a suggestion to ditch friends you no longer live closer to. As said above, the longer lasting the friendship often the more it matters. At the same time, work to find, build friendships in-person. This is simply recognition of the power and value of close-proximity friendships and of working to spend actual physical time with friends as you are able.

So where DO you meet friends!?

Start with the Old. Why reinvent the wheel? Instead of working to find and meet new friends, an easy place to start is by asking yourself who your friends used to be? Is it possible you can rekindle some old friendships? It takes nothing more than reaching out to reconnect and, in this era of social media, tracking down your best friend from high school is easier than ever. Why not shoot someone a quick message or text to open up the conversation all over again?

Join a group or club. Find a local group where people with interests like yours meet regularly. Try a religious group, parent meetup, music group, running club or biking group. An easy place to find connection is with others that enjoy the same things you do.

Initiate With Neighbors. Who closer or how easier than simply initiating with a neighbor? Although local customs differ across the world, it’s rare that dropping off cookies at a neighbor’s house or letting them know they have had a package delivered is frowned upon. The key here is to initiate and look for a way to connect. That may be, as suggested above, by doing some simple favor, that may be by simply saying “hi,” if you see them parking or directly inviting them over for coffee, a beer or a barbeque.

Take a class. Learn Something and Meet Friends. Signing up for a class allows you to indulge in a new interest at the same time as meeting someone new. Always wanted to cook gourmet dinners? Been thinking about taking flying lessons? Whatever interests you, this is a surefire way to meet new people. Sign up for a class at your local college, senior center, or gym. Learn Italian, flower arranging, or a new card game. When the topic interests you, finding people who have that in common and building connection comes easy.

Grab a Book. Book clubs are great places to indulge a love of reading while, at the same time, achieving easy introductions to new people. You already have something in common (the book being discussed) and discussing books easily opens up a unique shared vulnerability as you discuss what the books brought up in you or how you relate to the topics. All of this making getting to know new people easy and enjoyable. In a book club building connection comes almost as a byproduct, rather than awkwardly searching for something in common. Book clubs stimulate you intellectually and introduce you to people in the community who share a love for the written word.

Take a Walk with a Furry Friend. Friends of mine actually gave me this idea. They have a huge, friendly dog they bring nearly everywhere with them, “Chez.” Chez is such a goofball… such a loveable, easy-going ball of fur that passersby can’t help but be taken in by him.  Person after person will stop asking if they can pet Chez.  Couples, beautiful women, handsome men, and kids all seem drawn, stopping, chatting, spending a moment.

If you have a dog, why not explore more than your own backyard? In fact, why not borrow a friend’s dog?  By taking the dog on a walk or to your local park you will, not only your faithful friend a chance for exercise and a little puppy socialization, but you will also easily and naturally meet a great many new people. This is a win all around!

Look for Festivals or Events Locally. You may be surprised by how many events are happening right in your community. Look in your local newspaper or community bulletin boards. Go online for neighborhood listings. Search the name of your city plus the words “social network” or “meetups.” The key here is the willingness to choose extroverted behaviors.  You do not have to be extroverted… you only need to choose extroverted behaviors and step out of your shell to initiate talking with others. We will talk more about that in a moment.

Volunteer. People who work together often form strong connections. Meet people by volunteering with a community center, charitable group, hospital, museum, or place of worship.

Leverage a social circle. One of the easiest ways to meet people is to leverage other’s social networks.  Once you have a friend, meet and make connections with their friends.  Surrounding yourself with people who have large friend groups of their own makes for easy social networking. Ask for introductions, strike up conversations and begin developing new friendships from your existing friendships.

Learn to dance. One HUGELY successful place to meet healthy people both men and women is partner dancing. No… I don’t mean at nightclubs where drinking and flirting take priority.  I mean partner dancing – swing, salsa, waltz – all dances were the emphasis is on actual mastery of dancing, the music and equality-based partnerships working together through dance.

Years ago I would have been the first person to have laughed at this suggestion: I was not coordinated. I didn’t grow up dancing. I, frankly, didn’t believe myself capable of learning to dance. It was only anger at an ex-girlfriend’s insult that I could not dance that propelled me into a salsa dance class, vowing that I would at least learn a few steps to show off.

I ended my first class still believing I would never learn how to dance… but I was so thrilled by the music and camaraderie that I went back the next week. As embarrassed as I was (it is not often adults practice doing something they feel uncomfortable and have never done in front of other adults), each class the music and feeling of working together brought me back the next week.

With patience, practice and more classes, dancing finally took ahold in me. Partner dancing can be profoundly fun, bringing together an incredibly diverse group of people – everything from single parents (as I was), to professionals, blue collar workers, students and adults – in a common experience where the music and working together was the goal.  If you will stick through the feelings embarrassed (everyone has to start somewhere!) and dancing catches you, you will likely never find as compelling and rich a source of new friendships in your life; and an activity that opens the door of every ballroom in the world with new people to meet!

Try an App to Meet Friends in Person. For women, “Hey!VINA” brands itself as the “tinder” of friendship: Here the goal is to find someone with like interests you may want to befriend. A quick swipe of your finger starts a conversation, leading to a connection and eventually, friendship.  For anyone, male or female, try “Meetup.com”  Meetup.com presents hundreds (if not thousands!) of meet up groups in many cities around the world. The app is easy to use on your computer, tablet, or phone allowing you search for events of interest to you. You are presented with a variety of groups doing different activities, giving yourself a chance to meet several interesting people at once with a common focus.

Life Success Engine Community. Lastly and most importantly, join the Life Success Engine Community. Here at Life Success Engine we are creating the world’s most powerful success community!  Instantly connect yourself to a community of powerful, successful people – millionaires, pro athletes and top trainers, entrepreneurs, gurus, yogis and philosophers, thought leaders and life influencers, dating and relationship experts and more all working on their top-1% success and support you in YOUR top success!  Sign up now for an exclusive invitation. Launching May 2022!

So there is the “where.” Now about the “How?”

Tips for Making Friends as an Adult

Making friends as an adult is a daunting idea. For one thing, we’re swamped. We get caught up on our personal responsibilities and work goals that frequently we don’t make time for a social life outside of loose connections with our children’s friends’ parents and professional networking. Who has the time?

Thankfully, you do. It actually takes less time than you think to discover the joy of adult friendships.

First, what not to do. Avoid these common missteps:

Don’t be too aggressive. Coming on too strong may turn people away. Ease into friendships.  When meeting for the first time use small talk, allowing time for people’s attention to turn from their own thoughts to a conversation with you.  Talk a few times with friendly conversations before you suggest meeting up for coffee or a run. Do a few low-commitment activities such as meeting up at a local event, a movie or having someone over for a television event such as the Superbowl or a movie premiering on Disney or HBO, before inviting someone on something requiring more planning such as a day trip. Do not insist on meeting weekly or on a schedule, allowing a natural and organic pacing to occur where each of you initiates invitations.

Don’t brag. Resist sharing details about your latest incredible huge success, your family’s millionaire status or the new car you just bought.  Boasting gives people a negative impression and may be a turnoff.

Give… but don’t give too much. Both generosity and vulnerability encourage reciprocation. But… because they both encourage reciprocation, too much generosity or vulnerability leaves the other person feeling uneasy that they have to match that level.

Although measured, reciprocated, vulnerability builds positive regard and trust, too much vulnerability can be a huge turn off.  When a conversation begins to feel more like someone wanting sympathy, asking for advice when you don’t really know them or presenting themselves as needy, all will chase potential friends away.

Likewise, there is nothing wrong with picking up a round of drinks or paying for coffee. But be careful of too much generosity – buying dinners, gifts, arranging elaborate plans – are all too much early in a friendship. Rather than demonstrating that you value the other person as such actions are likely intended, they end up creating uneasy fears that the person has to reciprocate, turning people off and make them distance themselves.

No one wants to be forced into giving more than they’re ready for, whether opening up, investing time or money. That especially includes new friends.

Don’t change who you are. Don’t act different just to fit in. You are looking for someone who likes who you really are… not someone you have to work or pretend to be someone else so that they like you. At our core we all need someone who genuinely likes who we are at our core.  Be yourself, genuine, and honest and show your core. The people who do not like that would not be a good friend anyways.

So, how to start?

How to Start a Friendship

No matter how wonderful or interesting you are, friendships take time. Because every adult’s life has become more complex than their childhood lives, their interests and values are, likewise, complex.  And the fact is, outside of our school years and the forced socialization of jobs, most of us are out of practice in making friends, simply busy or tend to overthink friendship.

Because of all of that, adult friendships often progress in stops and spurts. An easy, likable introduction may be met with awkwardness on how to connect again.  People may find themselves busy with life at the moment, not really thinking much about making friends… but then, weeks or months later, feeling lonely with too much time on their hands, prompting them to finally reach out for a connection after you had assumed they were not interested. Sometimes it takes a while for us or others to realize the other person is attempting to build a friendship or to legitimately be willing to develop a friendship ourselves.

Don’t expect instant friendships. It takes time to establish a strong bond between two people and every successful friendship will have to progress from someone we have just met, to someone we recognize, to an acquaintance, to a loose friendship to a close friendship.

Do not let the progression or the fact that not every acquaintanceship will develop into full-fledged friendship to take away your desire or willingness to offer friendship, invest in friends and friendship, and build friendships.  Mostly, just do your best, but keep your expectations low.

The basic building blocks of all friendships are:

• Someone you’ve met and like,
• A method of reconnecting, and
• More than one time spending any amount of time together.

These three basic ingredients are the recipe for any friendship and EVERY long-lasting friendship.

Someone you’ve met and like

Nearly anyone you meet can be a friend.  And the very first basic requirement is someone we actually enjoy. To be sure, we can choose to put effort into liking nearly everyone… but, because of natural preferences, perspectives, past history or differences, some people simply don’t “click” for who we would like in our friend’s circle. However, realizing that you genuinely enjoy someone’s personality may the first clue that someone you’ve just met might make a good friend.

A method of reconnecting

The only way to form a friendship is through spending time together. That can’t be achieved in one meeting.  So a basic building block of forming a new friendship is a method of reconnecting.  Grabbing a social media username or phone number may be an easy place to start. But also don’t discount that, perhaps, you already know where they hang out: if you met them in the gym and they mention they workout every day at 6 p.m. it is easy enough to drop into the gym at 6 and keep any eye out for them. 

Maybe, when you are out shopping or running errands, you meet a new person while they were working.  In that case you can stop back by their work in a few weeks to strike back up the conversation before making an invitation to connect outside of their work.  Phone numbers, Email addresses, where people play, live or work and social media accounts are all easy ways of reconnecting to build a friendship.

More than one time spending any amount of time together.

Friendship is built on getting to know someone. No deep friendship is formed from merely one interaction. Friendships are built through repeated exposure to each other’s perspectives, thoughts, gradually learning more about each other and, finally, gradually putting more value on the friendship.

The only way to form a friendship is through spending time together.
That can’t be achieved in one meeting. 

There have been a number of studies that worked to figure out how much time people spend together, on average, before they feel they have built a friendship. One particular study asked respondents to rate new relationships as acquaintance, casual friend, friend and close friend, and then worked to draw associations between activities, hours spent together and the degree of closeness. From those ratings, the study’s author suggested that it took:

• 40+ hours to form a casual friendship,
• 80+ hours to be considered a friend, and
• 200+ hours to become a good friend.

Other studies show that people begin considering each other as friends in as few as 10 to 15 conversations. Regardless of the amount of time, getting together again – whether that is in a few days, a few weeks or a few months later – is a basic building block for building adult friendships.  It simply takes time to build genuine and lasting friendships. Be patient. Invest balanced interest, time and energy and soon enough your friendships will flourish!

There is one more basic building block that has not yet been discussed, simply because you have no control over it:  Eventually, every real friendship requires reciprocated interest and effort. It does no good and is not a valuable friendship if you’re the only one interested in becoming or staying friends; it is not much of a friendship if you’re the only one making effort.

Whether that occurs or not is out of your control. Sometimes those we most want to be friends with do not have space in their life (or don’t currently have space in their life). Sometimes, some people have been emotionally damaged so simply do not have space in their heart or the ability for a genuine friendship. Sometimes friendship simply takes a while to click. Sometime building a genuine friendship takes years.

But through it all, there can be an ebb and a flow, where one person seems more interested in the friendship and then, later, when the other does. Simply continue “watering” such friendship as though you were watering flowers trying to get them to grow. Continue initiating, investing time and energy and getting to know each other and you will increase the probability the friendship will bloom!

How to Initiate Adult Friendships

The fact is you, by yourself, have the power to spark a friendship and nurture a connection. So how do you start friendships?  You can start with these simple tips:

Stop Viewing Others Suspiciously or as Competitors. Beliefs such as “most people are just out for themselves” or “you can’t trust anyone” really interfere with meeting new people.  Expecting people to “prove themselves” or starting relationships with suspicion only sets the relationship off on the wrong foot.  Ultimately such beliefs are about oneself: awareness about your own self-centered behavior or fears about personal weaknesses or that you will not accurately see other’s motives.

Trust in yourself: you can be a good friend and, although all of us have been hurt by someone else’s actions, trust that you will both see such behavior clearly if it occurs and will not be devastated if, by some unfortunate circumstance you meet one of these people.  But examining and getting rid of beliefs that get in our way, such as these, will go a long way towards opening us to meeting the genuinely good people that are out there.

Smile. The fact is most people merely reflect the energy they see, often in the first few seconds of looking at someone else.  You are frowning? You are highly likely to be met with a frown, aversion or suspicion.  Conversely, making eye contact and smiling, radically increases both the potential another person will view you positively and their likelihood of responding to you positively. A genuine smile and friendly eye contact goes a huge way towards helping those we meet feel more comfortable and interested in a conversation with us.

Initiate.  If you take a passive attitude towards making friends you will likely be left waiting a long time for friendship. Despite our fears, one of the most profound steps you can take towards finding friendships is for you to simply initiate.

One of the best lessons I ever learned on initiating conversations came from my father.  I grew up a hard-core introvert, shy and not really willing to talk with people I did not already know. My father, on the other hand, was an incredible introvert, widely liked by nearly everyone he met. 

Where I always prided myself on being empathetic and socially savvy: I could tell when people did not feel comfortable or did not want to talk, my father, conversely, ignored such obvious social signs people put out when they were not really interested. 

How was it then, that my father was so adept at making friends out of complete strangers!?

I began watching his social interactions.  I would watch him comment to someone – a passerby, a store clerk, or someone simply standing by him – about something benign and inconsequential, often with a smile on his face and lilt to his voice. My father took pride in getting people to smile and laugh and so, frequently, he would make a light joke or self-deprecating comment.

He would allow space, and then he would re-engage – another small comment or small joke. And then another comment. My father would engage and then gently reengage several times, nearly always eventually winning people over until he and they were laughing and talking as if they were the best of friends.

From observing him I realized several things:

• People, all of us, are largely up in our heads. We ALL are mostly focused on ourselves and our own lives. We are tired from work and want to go home. We have errands we have to run, an argument we are stewing over or a worry in the back of our mind. When someone begins speaking to us or if we initiate talking to someone else, it almost always is an interruption to our thinking.  Because of that, It takes time for people to get out of their own thoughts to even consider if they WANT to talk to you.  Engaging and then gently reengaging allows people time to step out of their inwardly turned thoughts (that, frankly, most of us need a break from anyways!).
• Most people need multiple expressions of interest in talking with them before they genuinely consider if they even want to talk. You taking initiative and then reengaging multiple times, conversely to seeming pushy, if done lightly, with humor or genuine interest, actually tends to be intriguing to others. You will not win every person over… but you will be surprised by the number of people you do, simply by expressing a gentle, persistent, interest.
• Humor is hugely attractive. I do not mean by telling a joke. Mostly, simply comment on life.  Life is full of absurdities: the long line we are in, our commonalities, our fears. Often simply commenting on these things that we ALL are already thinking, but voicing them aloud, instantly gains us a connection. And laughing at our common condition or bringing a smile to someone else’s face forms an instant bond.
• Sharing small tidbits about yourself gives people a “handle” on you. It lets them know more about who you are so that you begin to build rapport, encourages and allows them to feel safe and invites them to share something about themselves. Telling them a short story about you or sharing tidbits about yourself sets “touch points,” bit of information, around which to relate and with which to build commonalities.
• Enjoyable conversations depend on finding common perspective or mutual interests is a mutual search for connection. No one knows what another’s interests or perspectives are before you begin talking to them.  More so, our instant judgment about others about what we thought would interest them or what their perspective is, can leave us so often very wrong…. It takes time talking to begin to bring these out for discovery of mutual interest. And it is our similarities – in perspective or interests – that further bond us. By talking and allowing an exploration – “Nice weather we’re having here.”, “Did you see the Yankee’s won?”, “I hate wearing a mask because of covid” – eventually the conversation will hit on something you have in common. And THAT is the gold; THAT is where a friendship starts!
• Lastly, people are genuinely HAPPY to see you again when you recognize people and greet them with both a large smile, showing joy at seeing them AND by referencing one of your connections – a past inside joke or mutual acquaintance. By doing both, the people you have met, even only one time before, will quickly associate your presence with joy at being recognized, with a connection in common and with the value of a developing friendship!

Take the initiative. Do not wait for anyone to reach out to you before you take the first step, even if you’re an introvert. Start the conversation when you are with someone you would like to know better. Look them in the eye. Say “hi.” Comment about something benign and share something about yourself. Engage and then gently reengage… working to find something in common and then letting them share about themselves.  More quickly than you know, you will have as many good friends and as many people thinking the world of you as did my father!

Additionally:

Share. As you get to know each other, try sharing small but more personal things about yourself. Being open about yourself gives others permission to be open about themselves. Don’t go overboard talking about all your innermost secrets. Do take it one step at a time. But mutual self-disclosure builds liking and rapport. In one study, the more participants disclosed about themselves to a partner, the more socially attractive they were perceived to be.[1] Clark, R. A., Dockum, M., Hazeu, H., Huang, M., Luo, N., Ramsey, J., & Spyrou, A. (2004). Initial Encounters of Young Men and Women: Impressions and Disclosure Estimates. Sex Roles, 50(9/10), 699–709.

Become Genuinely Interested in Others. Even if you’re just meeting someone, you can make them feel comfortable by asking the right questions and being a good listener. Ask open-ended questions. Encourage them to open up by saying things like, “Tell me more?” Ask questions and be willing to go deeper than simple facts.

Become a Listener. Initiate. Ask genuine questions. Listen twice as much as you talk. Allow there to be moments of silence.  It is in moments of silence that we have the chance to connect more deeply.  And, likewise, more often than not the other person will break them allowing you to know more about them.

When in groups of new people, rather than working hard to be the life of the party, why not take a step back? Making a point to actively listen to people makes you more attractive to those around you (everyone loves a listener) and puts you in the position of discovering the things which intrigue you most about the others. It’s a simple way to learn about shared interests, so you can strike up a friendship.

A famous story about Lady Randolph Churchill, Sir Winston Churchill’s mother and a participant in the loftiest social circles in Great Britain, was told about her dining, two nights in a row with famous politicians: Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and his chief rival, William Gladstone.

Lady Churchhill was asked what she thought of the two men, remarking, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli I left feeling that _I_ was the cleverest woman.”

Be Disraeli and help those you listen to feel that THEY are the most interesting person in the room and I assure you: you will never be without a friend!

Make a Group. Even better? Start putting your friends together in one place by creating a group of friends. There’s nothing more fun than hanging out in a gathering of people who enjoy each other’s company. Start simple, with a lunch date or drinks after work. Work up to happy hours or morning brunch hosted at your house!

Stay in Touch. Just as you initiated to begin the friendship, be willing to initiate to keep the friendship going at first.  If you want to keep people from falling off the radar and becoming distant, make a point to check in with them once in a while. A general rule of thumb? Connect about every two weeks. Send a text, make a call, set up a chance to get together. Staying in touch is crucial. By checking in, you’re telling the other person they are important to you and worth your time.

Build Your Adult Friendships

Have acquaintances but aren’t quite ready to call them friends yet? To make friends, be a friend.  Try opening up a little. Being vulnerable forges intimacy with others and deepens the friendship, taking it to the next level.

Say yes. When you’re invited to a gathering or event, accept the invitation. Return the favor by inviting them somewhere. Extend your own invitations and ask a friend or acquaintance to get coffee or lunch.

How to Know When You’re Friends

The wonderful thing is knowing when your efforts to make friends is paying off.  Some sigs of a new friendship include:

• The other person starts taking the initiative and calls or messages you.
• You feel comfortable and natural with them.
• You’re not hesitant to share or do something in front of them.
• You respond to them with empathy, and they do the same with you.

If you begin seeing others reaching out to you, receive invitations, genuinely enjoy a person’s company, or are easily able to be yourself in front of someone, you are well along the path to forming lasting friendship!

Then, Evolve Your Friendship Group.

Lastly, know that there is nothing wrong with curating – carefully choosing and cultivating – your friendships. Not everyone matches either your interests OR your values; and not everyone was intended to become a permanent, close friend of yours. Sometimes we grow out of friendships.  Sometimes others grow away from us.  That is okay.

As you get to know people more deeply it is quite normal that you may find some whose goals or values don’t match yours, or whose interests, emotional availability or ability to reciprocate don’t match. It is fine to maintain these as acquaintances, to initiate contact less often or to simply wait until you naturally run into each other.

Likewise, when you find people whose world views expand yours or values mesh with yours, it is completely natural to enjoy your time with them. Although not every friend you are interested in will be similarly interested in developing a friendship with you (remember not everyone was intended to be a friend), it is fine to maintain an acquaintanceship or a more distant friendship with the possibility that the friendship might deepen later.

Curate Friendship Around What?

There is a well-established idea that we are a reflection of our five closest relationships: ask what your five closes friends earn a year… and it’s likely your earnings fall within the spectrum. Ask whether your five closest friends are divorced, have children or are happily married and it is quite likely that you fall with the majority.  The idea does hold truth.

But it is a little too cold and calculating to make friendships based primarily off of how much money people earn or even how happily married they are. There is nothing wrong with seeking friendships with people we admire – the intelligent, the ethical, the financially successful, good souls. These friendships will expose us to different ways of viewing and working within the world.

However, even more important than any potential friend’s degree of success in life. There are other, very important factors to consider in who to focus on and most work to build relationships with.  As has been said before, your friendships have a greater effect on your health than do diet, nutrition, exercise and genetics, so that it takes more than successful finances or an impressive lifestyle to be a good person or a good friend.

Start with the perspective that there are a virtually unlimited number of possible friends available in this world. With nearly eight billion people in the world, you can take your time to explore the endless opportunities in the world to find friendship and happiness.

Next to find “your” friends focus on, only connect to and spend time with the right people:

• People you enjoy,
• People who are healthy emotionally and spiritually,
• People who genuinely enjoy, love and appreciate you,
• People who value you and you perspective,
• People who seek you out and want time with you,
• People who being around is inspiring and makes you feel more alive,
• People who not only embrace who you are now, but also who you want to be.

Popular self-help authors Marc and Angel say “only invest in people for who you when you are around them, only invest in people who believe in and encourage you; who inspire you. Surround yourself only with people that make you a better version of yourself, that bring out your best parts, love and accept you.” To that end:

• Stop giving energy to those who have less to lose than you, who aren’t going somewhere, who aren’t positive.  Focus on people who return your energy.
• Don’t tolerate people who don’t treat you well. Period. Don’t tolerate them for financial reasons. Don’t tolerate them for emotional reasons. Don’t tolerate them for the children’s sake or for convenience’s sake.
• Orient around the light.  Stop looking to those least able to fill you – the emotionally stunted, the scarred – for friendship.

The Friendships You Want Are Available

Building healthy, quality friendships is something within your control. The world is full of potential friends, available to you if you will just take the initiative and take action, reaching out. Meeting people doesn’t have to be complicated and opportunities truly are everywhere.

Your life success – the quality of your thinking, your ethics, your financial success, health and, especially your happiness – are DEEPLY tied into the people you surround yourself with and most get to know.

So be bold. Try something new and begin building adult friendships. You’ll be glad you did. In a very literal sense your joy, health and life success depend on it!

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Take Action! Adopt a Goal Plan:  Set your friendship goals down on paper, then post your goals to the Life Success Community where we can meet and support you; where you can begin to develop real friendships (maybe even in-person friendship) that support you in health, wealth and joy!

If you are ready to discover your life’s passion and develop it into the career you have always wanted, reach out now! I have led thousands of people in reaching dreams just like yours. I KNOW you’re capable of reaching any success you dream of with the help of my coaching. Reach out now and I’ll even offer you the first session for free!

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“Mark’s deep coaching skills are profoundly insightful. As a coach who shows up fully and authentically, there is no stone he leaves unturned to help his clients see for themselves the highest future vision of themselves.“