A close friend, about 20 years younger than me, emailed asking, “Is there anything you wish you’d done when you were younger that you regret not doing?”

I thought about it and drew up rambling lists; thoughts…  wasn’t sure where to go with it.  Things finally coalesced.

I don’t think this is the list he was hoping for.  I hope that you, the reader, still find some value in it.

Is there anything you wish you’d done when you were younger that you regret not doing?

Yes:  I wish I’d broken up with many of the women I’d dated WAY sooner.

I spent way too much time with the wrong romantic partners.  I stayed with partners because I didn’t want to be alone; because it helped me feel better about myself, because I had invested “so much” effort, emotion, or time in them.  I stayed with partners because I was fearful I couldn’t find anyone better… or afraid I couldn’t find anyone at all.

When I was younger, I thought all I needed was a woman I thought was hot, who wanted me.  I didn’t realize until WAY too late that what I actually needed was a woman with a good soul, who “got” me, who took responsibility for herself and could work constructively together with me through challenges… and that I was attracted to.

One of my favorite bits of life wisdom is to “Start spending time with the right people – These are the people you enjoy, who love and appreciate you, and who encourage you to improve in healthy and exciting ways. They are the ones who make you feel more alive, and not only embrace who you are now, but also embrace and embody who you want to be, unconditionally.” I wished that I had gauged whether a romantic partner was worth my time by how they affected my soul, rather than my libido. 

I wish that I’d operated far more from peace and joy.  I wished I would have given up on perfection and just focused on quality.  When I was younger, I had a huge list of all the things I wanted to accomplish. You’ll notice that none of those things are on THIS list.

I was going to have a mansion. I wanted a Lamborghini sports car. I was going to be rich.  I was going to have a tuxedo and use it going to galas. …I don’t even like galas.  I don’t miss any of those things. I wish I would have realized I don’t need to strive and that there is far greater, longer lasting, and much more pleasurable joy in peace.

I still struggle with perfectionism.  I believe this is why I never married until much later in life – I was always looking for the “perfect” woman (and always worried I would find someone “better,” despite wasting time with the wrong ones due to fear).  But that perfectionism damaged my life in other ways.  I gave up on ideas I had because they didn’t match the (unmanageable, perfectionistic) ideals I held in my mind. And when I started other plans, I held to that perfectionism, wasting endless time and energy – and causing endless turmoil, stress and frustration – trying to improve on things that were 80, or 90, or 99% fine.

I nitpicked on others and myself because I always saw that it could be done better, ruining relationships and worse: ruining my self-esteem.  I’ve learned now (er… AM learning) that joy and peace ought to be the GPS navigation system I use.  If joy and peace were the direction, I have no idea if I’d be more “successful” right now than I am… but I also don’t think it would really matter: I’d be happy and at peace.

I wish I had done less comparison. I always wanted to be the smartest person in the world, the best looking, the best body, the most successful. I hate to break it to you but, when judged on any one, arbitrary quality, there is ALWAYS someone in the world better than you. (And if, God help you, you actually are the world’s best at something then there will be someone better within a few years.)  It’s an exhausting aspiration. It’s impossible. It’s a stupid substitute for self-esteem.

By all means, excel in areas that are important to you. But drop the comparison to ANYONE else but yourself. Compete with yourself. Do better than you did last year, last month or yesterday. But let go of ranking yourself or caring however anyone else does things. You do you. And, do you, so that it makes YOU happy. Screw what “everyone else” is doing. 

I wish I’d stressed less. I don’t know, I think I was raised to imagine that I had to be in control of everything. Trying to be in control of everything is 1) EXHAUSTING and 2) fruitless. There is not the time nor energy to keep the world spinning and what you end up doing is using your own limited resources of time, energy, and effort on the things that, frankly, you should have let go of so you could have focused those limited resources on the things you could.

Thomas Leonard, an author and the founder of life coaching, offered that there are two kinds of problems: things you can change and things you can’t. He suggests letting go of things you can’t change. I’d add to that: there are things you can change… but aren’t work the amount of effort it would take to change them. You don’t have to win every battle, you don’t have to finish every project, you don’t have keep other’s lives running smoothly or make sure they “feel” okay. Amazing things happen when you just focus on making you OWN life run well and making sure you are happy. Suddenly others understand that running their own lives and making themselves happy is their main job and that, if we all do this well enough, we have energy and joy left over to share with others.

So incredibly many of my worries and the immense loads of fear and anxiety that came with them never came true, so that I’ve realize 90% or better of what we stress about isn’t worth our stress. By all means, give yourself time to sift through and acknowledge your feelings. Do take time to plan how you’ll address situations. But I am working to adopt three rules for myself:

First, I limit all of my worrying, everyday, to a scheduled half-hour in the late afternoon (after I’ve had the morning to work on what I needed and well before my bedtime, so I don’t carry such anxieties with me to bed). Second, I work to express my “worry” in action: if I’m worried about something, then I should be physically doing something to solve whatever it is I’m worried about. Lastly, if I am not able to do something about it right now, either because I’ve done my allotment of work on the problem for today or because there is currently nothing I can do about it, then there is no sense in worrying about it right now. I can worry about it when I can do something about it.

I wish I was quicker to have let go of things that weren’t working. The idea of “flow” and “easy” was something that took DECADES to occur to me. And I don’t mean that you shouldn’t expend effort or work for things. But notice the things in your life that you constantly struggle with. That might be a relationship that just can’t seem to move forward.  That might be jobs where there is constant tension, frustration and stress. That might be things about yourself you don’t like.

Somehow, I grew up thinking the amount of time and effort you put into something equaled to the value of attaining that thing. It doesn’t. And there is HUGE wisdom in going with things that are just easy: relationships, job positions, accepting personal faults.

It took me years to realize that was what people meant when they would say, “I don’t think it’s a match.”  When I started navigating life by what “clicked” – what brought joy, even when effort or growth was required; when things felt a match, not because of how bad you wanted it, but because of it just feeling like “home” – I found far greater success in those areas. If there’s a constant struggle it is likely a sign that thing is not for you.

I wished that I traveled on my own more.  I’ve always been a “gotta have a companion to adventure” kinda guy.  Yet the trips I’ve taken my own have lasted longest in my memory as the most profound.  It’s often said that, “A person who can’t stand being alone feels that way because they have have a poor companion for company,” and I agree.  Spending time in unfamiliar and new places, adventuring, teaches self-reliance and acquaints you with yourself, forcing an acceptance and eventually an embrace.  We’re all a pain in the ass.  Who better to love that pain in the ass… than us?  And it’s in the unfamiliarity and unknowing of exploration that presents the best opportunity.  Go explore foreign countries, travel – on your own.

What I Did Right

To be fair, I think you ought to know also what I did right:

I was insecure about how out of shape I was as a teen, so did weightlifting and workouts.  Working out became my outlet for stress.  It tested me.  It helped me explore my limitations (and false limitation).  It proved to me that I was stronger than I thought I was and that even things that seem unchangeable – like that “max” bench or that flab around your waist or your wish your body looked differently WAS within your control.  Working out is a life-long habit and my having built muscles has paid off in a higher metabolism that allows me to eat, a baseline that my body returns to with relative ease, and a “home” for those feelings of frustration and doubt to work through them.  I still, to this day, need to work out to feel okay and I believe that has helped me be WAY happier and healthier that I would have been without it.

I moved out on my own, far away from home, in a place that gave me adventures.  Having moved to an unfamiliar place, with no one to rely on by myself forced growth.  It’s allowed me to decide who I am, rather than be constrained by the perceptions (and negative reinforcement) of my family and friends whom have “known” me my whole life.  It forced depth.  It gave me a perspective far greater than that of my family of origin; far greater than my former geologic perspective.  It’s been my experience that those who live in one town their whole life grow up stunted: many never have seem to have grown beyond high school. Moving to a new city or even new country moves your mind and gives you a far greater perspective.

I got into therapy.  I noticed that I had self-defeating patterns that were hugely getting in my own way.  If you notice any dysfunction that you keep repeating that’s causing major life pain – addictions, relationship patterns, limited or dysfunctional thinking – get therapy.  Do it early – you can spend YEARS (I’ve seen some spend a lifetime) ineffectively and dysfunctionally repeating the same mistakes, somehow thinking THIS time it’ll be different.  Find a therapist that ACTUALLY helps (not just feel better, but help you tangibly change life habits).  It’s my opinion that the healthiest people in the world have gone through therapy.  There’s no shame in finding a guide to help you figure out you.

I took the harder route because it was the right route. For me that was standing up for my daughter.  Upon separating from my daughter’s mother I was faced with a huge decision, the complete details I have never completely discussed.  But I had a choice:  turn over my daughter to her mother, who I believed to be a danger to her; or ruin every plan I had staked my life on. 

I’d planned on getting my law degree.  I’d planned on building a multi-million-dollar business.  I did not plan on remaining un- and under-employed to stay home and raise an infant.   But you put your money where your mouth is. And ideals are nothing unless acted upon.  So, I gave up everything… for my everything. 

There comes a time in every custody battle where a parent realizes that it doesn’t matter how “much” you love your child – there is a limit to your money for legal bills and there is a limit to your ability to cope and remain sane.  Near the end of both my money and my sanity I asked my attorney how much longer the battle might go on, so that I had some measure, because I had sworn to myself that I’d would never look in the mirror and *wish* that I’d done more. 

Even after gaining custody in order to protect my daughter I had no idea how I was going to make it as a single father for the next 18 years. But I realized that very first night – after all the custody battles had been settled, bathing my infant daughter as was our nightly ritual – that I didn’t NEED to do it the “rest of my life.”  I only needed to do it TODAY.  And tomorrow would have to take care of itself.  You can get incredibly far if you’ll let go of “having to” do things for the rest of your life… and just focus on doing them for today. And, if you do the right thing, even when it’s the harder thing, you will never have to look at yourself in the mirror, disappointed with yourself.

Doing the right thing, even though it was the harder thing – beyond me proving to myself that I AM strong; that I actually DO put my money (and literal blood, sweat and tears) where my mouth is – has taken me on an adventure FAR beyond any adventure that I’d planned for myself.  I had to relinquish to God’s plan and give up my bravado and hubris to understand that God had something greater planned for me… that I ever could have planned for myself.

So… that’s what _I_ wish  I’d done when I was younger.  Probably not the list you expected, but a list that has value to you, I hope.

And now to you. Help all of us out:  Is there anything you wish you’d done when you were younger that you regret not doing? What do YOU do right in your life… and what do you wish you’d done differently!?

If you are ready to discover your life’s passion and develop it into the career you have always wanted, reach out now! I have led thousands of people in reaching dreams just like yours. I KNOW you’re capable of reaching any success you dream of with the help of my coaching. Reach out now and I’ll even offer you the first session for free!

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