With risk, often comes reward.  But the hardest things – the things that feel most dangerous – often don’t involve physical danger at all.  They risk damage to our egos and require vulnerability.  If you’re ready for deep growth, here is a dangerous assignment:

Call the people you’ve had the 3 deepest relationships with, in the past.  Ask them, “What was the hardest thing about being in a relationship with me?”

“OH, HELL NO,” I can hear people saying. 

Hold on.  Search out your 3 most important relationships from the past and ask, “What was the hardest thing about being in a relationship with me?”

Shut up and listen to what they say, even if you disagree with it. In fact, ask for more details regardless of what they come up with.

Then, after they’ve listed three, ask them, “What was the *best* thing about being in a relationship with me?”

Shut up and listen to what they say, even if you agree with it. In fact, ask for more details regardless of what they come up with.

I can hear the objections already:

• The past is the past, why dig it up!?
• I already know my shortcomings, I don’t need to ask someone else.
• It doesn’t matter to me what someone else thinks of me
• Nobody knows me.  Why would I ask others how they see me?
• You do it first.

I get it: I UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT IS FEAR PROVOKING.  (In fact it’s so fear provoking that some people won’t even admit that it’s fear that it provokes, pretending the above objections aren’t about fear at all or telling themselves or others that the exercise is just stupid, unnecessary or not helpful.) 

But I’d encourage people to not simply respond from their fears. We don’t grow from giving in to fear. 

The Objections:

The past is the past, why dig it up!?

I’m all for living in the present.  And I can only offer for myself, that placing the past in it’s proper perspective and processing allows me to live MY present so that my future is greater than both. IMHO those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it — my response to those (certainly no one reading here 😉), it’s not “living” it the past, it’s giving the past an effective perspective so that you can move past the past and stop repeating it.

Let’s face it, the VAST majority of people are oblivious to their patterns.  Witness Facebook friends’ updates complaining about ANOTHER relationship that didn’t work out, when you remember the last 4 were just the same… Or the “happily” married friend who brags to everyone about her marriage… that we know for a fact isn’t-so-happy….

“Actually I have done this, after my second divorce I needed to know what went wrong, what went right and more. I agree with Mark, it is very eye opening. I have no intention of sharing [what I learned] but suffice it to say that I lived and learned and am happier now than I have ever been.”— K.R.

The underlying primary question of this thread is: Are you going to be a person who subconsciously repeats your patterns? Or are you going to be a person who becomes conscious and grows beyond them? Because seeing the *unconscious* takes something more than “oh… I’ll just do it differently next time” and sure as hell takes something different than “eh… I don’t revisit the past.”

I’d offer that, In fact, your answer doesn’t really matter — it doesn’t matter whether you *say* you will or *say* you wont repeat the patterns of the past. What matters is what *action* you take to see the unseen and choose more effective strategies. Insanity, as they say, is doing the same thing over and over… but expecting different results.  And seeing the past clearly is the first step.

I already know what my ex’s would say about me, why would I bother asking!?

Some will say some version of, “there’s no reason to! The relationships didn’t end well; I already know what they think of me!” or “I already know what my problems are.”

The exercise isn’t to substitute someone else’s opinion for your own…

The exercise is to open your mind to something you may not have been able to see — both positive and negative. Then YOU get to decide if there’s any validity to it and, if there is, WHAT YOU choose to allow it to mean to you and how YOU choose to allow that new knowledge to change you (or not).

I already know my shortcomings, I don’t need to ask someone else.

Some people will be quick to point out that they already know their own flaws and I’d point out that the exercise WASN’T to pick out what you think 3 of your flaws are… The exercise is much more profound than that.

You opening up this conversation opens up the POWERFUL opportunity for change, growth, connection and understanding…  You may be amazed at the profound conversations you can have… if you just have the guts to ask the questions.

It doesn’t matter to me what someone else thinks of me

Of course it doesn’t… that’s why you leave the house in pajamas and underwear and don’t bother to comb your hair on a first date or at work.  What’s that!?  You actually put on business clothes (or get dressed and not remain naked) and run a brush through your hair!?  Well then it appears it very much DOES matter to you what other’s think about you.

But this isn’t about making other’s opinions more powerful than ours.  It’s about seeing what we can’t (or haven’t) seen… so that we can change it for *ourselves* and our OWN success.

“I did about 9 months ago after reading a self Help book called Winning Every Time by Lis Wiehl. One of the chapters discussed finding your true weaknesses by asking others to point them out to you… ‘The Emperor has No Clothes’ thing.

I learned these three things. All obvious, some could say shallow, but nevertheless all the same.
1) a personality that can overwhelm if not prepared for.
2) my actual physical appearance, too fat. Two even used the phrase ‘…Ashamed to be around in public at times with their friends.’
3) brutally unforgiving (even dead looking/sounding) when things went south, and they were trying to reconcile.

Volumes of positive feedback. But that’s what I learned and still struggle to change. It’s a tough task, looking at ourselves through others’ eyes.

I actually got volumes out of it. It’s gotten me out of several jams I knew were coming through the lessons about being prepared. It was the lessons about life, love and relating to others I didn’t expect. That floored me after doing this.”— L.B.

You do it first.

I’ve already done this. In fact I did it years ago. (And yes, one of the women I asked was a woman with whom things ended HORRIBLY (and by “horribly”, I mean “atomic war” horrible). And I can offer it opened up a profound discussion.

I have suggested this to close friends and clients, who have also done it. Many have had compelling, deeply revealing conversations — some of them with ex’s they’d fought with for years, for the first time opening up profound conversations because of the fact the conversation started from such a different place that most of their prior bickering came from.

But I have never really understood why people are afraid to have revealing relationships. Our deepest thoughts and feelings are a profound part of who we are; What others think about you is only their opinion; it isn’t real and… you not discussing it doesn’t change what they think about you.

I guess your choice: refuse to discuss what everyone is thinking anyways… or bring it out into the open where magic can happen.

…heal
…learn something about yourself
…change or grow
…repair some of the past
…make a deeper connection
…strengthen something about yourself that you like
…be reminded in powerful ways about the BEST parts of yourself.

And *sometimes* even relationships that end poorly can teach us something about ourselves.

Here are a couple of keys to help to make this as productive as possible:

You’ll Have to Convince Them You’re Seriously Asking

It’s quite likely the people you ask won’t believe that you really want an honest answer to your question of “What was the most challenging part of dating me?”, so that it’s frequent that you’ll have to ask the same question two or three times to get an honest answer: 

First, it’s incredibly rare to be asked something like this; Second, we ALL have been steeped in social politeness, so the most frequent first response you’ll get is something along the lines of, “Oh, ha ha!  Nothing really, you’re fine!” 

Ask again: “No, really: I would like to know what the hardest thing about dating me was?”

Most people, even then, will respond obliquely (although somewhat more tentatively), trying to avoid the awkward question:  “Uh… no, uh… nothing really…  I mean sometimes you can be a little harsh.  But nothing big,” they’ll say.

Meet them in their eyes and repeat the question, “Really, I’m asking what was the hardest thing about dating me?” and usually by this time the gates will begin to open and honest answers will start to come out.

It may be very hard, but listen to the first few remarks non-judgmentally.  Then build off of them.  When people know you’re serious they will often open and tell you everything.  Ask:  Why was that hard?  How did it make them feel?  Why did you think that I did that?  How did I act?  Be willing to go deep and be willing to ask for more than one thing that was challenging about you to deal with.

“I have learned that I don’t conform to what others think I should be like. I don’t talk about things that bother me until I have had enough. Therefore I blow up and then we fight. Then I have been told that I give too much of myself to others that don’t appreciate me. That I don’t say ‘no’ when I need to; that I smother the ones that I love.”— D.M.

Next, Take Their Feedback With a Grain of Salt

Of COURSE your ex’s feedback might be biased.  Listen anyways. It’s not about blankly accepting whatever is said.  But you may find interesting feedback.

Although I’m sure you’re aware of some of your faults, the faults you’re aware of may pale in comparison to those you’re not aware of.  EVERYONE has aspects to themselves that they’re not aware of and only the weak need to run and hide from them; the strong can handle… being human. 

And more importantly, those who want the ultimate success WANT to see what they’re doing to sabotage themselves so they can correct it. 

Opening this conversation offers you the incredibly rare opportunity to get feedback from some of the people who knew you the best.

A Singular Criticism vs. Consistent Observations

An old adage goes, “If one person calls you a donkey, ignore them.” That is, if only ONE out of the three sees a particular challenge about you… *maaaaaybe* they’re wrong (or simply misperceiving).

“If two people call you a donkey, think about it.

“But if THREE people call you a donkey… go buy a saddle.”  That is, if ALL THREE offer you something similar… ding, ding, ding… you might have a winner: a consistent or habitual way you behave that might just be really getting in your own way and preventing yourself from the results you long for.

Many of us know exactly what went wrong *only from our side.* The problem is most people are oblivious or blind to some of the most damaging patterns of their life. I am fully for making the unconscious conscious.  It’s only by seeing something that you can change it.  Be willing to have a compelling conversation about it.  With knowledge, comes power.

Ask for the Negative Feedback First

By having a searching, open and honest discussion about the hard things, you’ll open up a profound dialogue that will help the conversation be all the more real.  By asking “what was most challenging about being with me,” first, you’ll get some of the tough conversation out of the way.

Then, whereas that first question may have been difficult to ask and even more challenging to listen to, the last question will be “dessert”: something special that will help pick you back up again.

Courageous Questions = Compelling Conversations

It’s interesting the conversations you can have when you have the guts to ask hard questions, then listen nonjudgmentally 😉

if you don’t care for having a deeper conversation that may change your life, by all means, pass it up and move on to the next conversation about the weather or how much they enjoyed this morning’s coffee.  You’ll stay safe.  But don’t expect growth.

Worse, don’t complain when you find yourself repeating damaging behaviors that sabotage your success.

“Due to Facebook, (at least) two past and personal relationships have been revisited, years later. And, I have had this conversation (live, real talking conversation) with at least two people in the last 6 months.

Worst thing about me in a relationship is that I get too defensive too quickly and push people away.

Best thing about me in a relationship is that when I’m in, I’m all in.

My current ex’s would probably agree, (friends included) however, I am happy to know that over time, I’ve mellowed on both counts.  Mark, I love this question.

I’ll add that i had a different perspective of hearing basically the same thing from each person. With one, my heart raced and I was angry; with the other I realized how much I had hurt that person. They had other opinions about me that weren’t the same. But I realized in one situation that my ‘worst’ was why the relationship ended. I guess I hadn’t understood that until recently. However, I am glad to be out of that relationship.”— J.D.

And me?  When I had the courage to ask my three most important relationships, Interestingly all three named the same “worst” thing about being in a relationship with me: All three said I was really hard to have a relationship with. “Challenging.” That the highs were high… but the lows… were low.

Even more interestingly all three also named the same *best* thing: that they all three had never felt so deeply loved.

BOTH were deeply revealing to me — the worst, because it DID help me to work on something profound;

And the BEST thing all three said about me is something that I treasure about myself to this day…

Again, your call whether to chance a profound conversation or remain satisfied in your ignorance. Me!? I like depth, and I value growth….

Dating coaching is some of my favorite kind of coaching.  If you’re in the dating scene – whether you just want more and higher-quality dates OR you’re looking for a relationship (or maybe even “the one”) I’d be happy to work with you to RADICALLY improve your results with the advice your friends would never tell you and other coaches simply don’t get.  I’ve got the results to back it up both with my own dating and those I’ve coached.  From some of the hardest places to date (I see you, Seattle) to some of the fastest, most lit (Hey, Las Vegas and New York!) I’ve got the experience, insights and tips to bring your dating to a whole higher level! Let’s meet for a FREE session and talk about how I can help you succeed in dating.

Copyright © 2010, Mark Farmer.