Vulnerability, being your real self; being your authentic self: these are words that are used a lot. The question often exists of how much should you reveal of who you are – should you be transparent in dating?  In business?  With friends?  How much of yourself should you reveal? The fact is, being vulnerable takes strength.

The question recently came up in a conversation with a client who share their fear that, if they share their weaknesses, they feared those self-perceived weaknesses might be used against them.  This particular client’s conversation was in the context of whether or not this client would be liked by her family, or in particular by the connections that she had on Facebook if they began truly opening up and living out loud.

Fear of Rejection

It’s a questions that comes up frequently, but to be blunt it always strikes me as incredibly odd.  But I get it: many a MANY person doesn’t want to post openly or vulnerably about their life on social media, even if they’re only connected to close friends and family.  The reason vary: “Why should I reveal my inner secrets online?” or “Some people might celebrate that I’m having a hard time” or “I don’t want anyone to know about my real life.”

But, regardless of the phrasing, it all comes down to one thing: fear of rejection. “I don’t want to post about my real life on social media, because some people that I’m connected to… might disapprove and reject me because of it.”

You especially hear the same comments regarding vulnerability in the context of dating:  “Why would I talk about sensitive or vulnerable parts of my life?”

Even more it doesn’t make sense to me, “Why wouldn’t you!?”

And often people will answer the same, “Because maybe they’ll use it against me. Maybe talking about my mistakes or failings or fears might make me look stupid.”

And always, my question for those clients are, “Why would you want to remain connected to… working with… date or marry, somebody who would use your weaknesses against you!?

Attract and Keep Those Who Value You

If the people you work for, those you date, your friends or those you’re connected to on social media are the kinds of people that would put you down, think worse of you or worse, use it against you… I’d like you to know that as easily and as quickly as possible.

In my profession, if people are going to think less of me, because I’m human or who I really am… those are not the right clients for me.

In dating, if I’m dating somebody who thinks less of me because of the reality of my life, I’d like to find that out early.  Not after I’ve spent years trying to build something that won’t stand because they don’t like who I really am.  I’d like to find that out quickly – that’s not somebody for my life.

The “Appearance” of Strength…? Or True Strength?

People think it’s important to look strong.  But if there are important or real areas of your life that you have to hide… that makes you weak.

It’s only the only the strong that can afford to be vulnerable.

If you’re weak and scared to death of what power somebody holds over you;
If you need other people’s approval and acceptance;
If you are life is not enough and you’re dependent on someone else for love, attention, money, affection…

then absolutely you risk losing out on all of that by not pleasing those others.  THEY hold the power… and you remain weak.

The idea of a “strong, silent type,” is a lie: if you have to be silent… it is because you can be hurt by what you’re hiding.”

Please YOURSELF

Instead of going into a dysfunctional cycle and working harder to please people… why don’t you work harder to please YOURSELF so that you don’t need that external approval, affection, love, in particular from people who don’t really approve of who you are anyways!

When my client expressed they didn’t feel they could be honest about their life on social media, my question was, “Why in the world would you want to be connected to a bunch of people who wouldn’t accept who you really are!?  Even worse, why would you want their approval knowing they don’t like who you are!?”

I don’t think my client realized the cost they were paying:  it was a dismissal, a rejection of themselves.  The approval they feared they wouldn’t receive, came from people who wouldn’t accept them for what they really were.

There’s no way for that NOT to conflict with their self-acceptance having to stay quiet about who you really are, because you want someone’s approval, but knowing that approval comes by denying who they really are.

Talk about a mind fuck!

Why would you work hard for approval from people who won’t accept you for who you are!?

By denying who you are, you would know that their approval isn’t really for who you are, it’s for who you pretend to be. Why would you do that to yourself!?

The Strength of Vulnerability

There are some profound things that happen by choosing to be vulnerable and live out loud:

Number one, by living out loud and bringing who you are into the light of day, You will be confronted with the reality of yourself. And the reality of who you are – let’s just talk about your own self approval – is either acceptable to you… or not.  If your behavior or identity embarrasses you, dishonors you, or is shameful to you then that shame reinforces that you need to change something.

Let’s be honest, we all have aspects of ourselves that are less than honorable. If you’re the kind of person that cheats, or you lie, or you steal, and you started honestly admitting that out loud… and you’re embarrassed about it and you receive some condemnation from it, those negative feelings will, all the more, support you beginning to change those aspects of you of yourself. If we start living out loud, admitting and acknowledging honestly about even those parts, it’s possible that shame might help us to change.

Now, on the other hand, if we live out loud and we feel that we did it for the right reasons for the fan; we’re happy for why we did it, well then, that honor helps to reinforce that who we are.

But living out loud, being vulnerable, helps you to begin steering yourself to a place where YOU are more happy with who you are. You can’t please everybody in the world, but you CAN  begin working on developing a life you live that at least YOU admire how you live.

Number two, living out loud reveals the people in your life who will use it against you.  Think about it: which would you rather have… a life full of people who, if they knew who you really were or how you really felt would think less of you and not approve of you!  Or would you – knowing that you’ve worked on number one, first, and developed a life you’re proud of… find people who valued and celebrated that?

My question to you is why do you want people in your life that wouldn’t like the real you anyways!? Why would you want to work harder to hold on to people who don’t really approve of who you then you would simply work hard to develop a life that YOU approve of?

But, as you start living out loud and start revealing who you are, there will be people who use it against you.

Get the fuck rid of them.

There will be people who indicate that think that you are not valuable or worthy.

Get the fuck rid of them.

There are people who will make fun of you.

Get the fuck rid of them.

And make it easy

Why do you want to walk through life carrying people on your back who don’t approve of who you really are anyways!?

Assuming you’ve worked, first, on becoming a person that YOU like and admire, the NEXT BIGGEST thing that you deserve is approval for who you REALLY are.

And so as you take the courage to be in living out loud and living vulnerable, this will help you to identify the people you do.

At Most, You Need Five People

You don’t need 500 people in your life.  You need five people who genuinely love who you are.

And having the courage to live confidently and out loud helps you to begin honing in for yourself on what you admire about yourself and what is congruent with your life; and then, to begin honing in on the people who, similarly, honor and celebrate you in their life.

To have five people who truly know and celebrate you is profound.  There are 6 billion people in this world. You don’t need the approval of 6 billion people. You can’t even interact with 6 billion people. What you need is five people who genuinely love you for who you are. But that starts with living out loud for who you are; and in orienting around those people and getting rid of – to some extent, it’s a process of getting RID of all the people who DON’T value you.

Begin living out loud – you’ll both support yourself in developing a life and a self-image that YOU admire AND in finding people who similarly value you.